Learning to live without you

I never thought that the day would come when I would have to learn to live without you. A world without you in it didn’t seem possible. For years, I was naïve and thought that death just simply didn’t happen in our family. Death was something that happened to everyone else. The reality of being alive in a world where you no longer existed seemed surreal.

From the moment you left, the air felt different, the places no longer looked how they used to, and I no longer felt alive. Everything felt like a haze. A world without you; what did that even mean? I waited for this to no longer be my reality. I waited for the day that I would wake up and see you again. Every time I heard the front door open, I would hold my breath and wish that it was you walking in. But it wasn’t.

You were gone and I had to face that reality. Learning to live without you was like learning to live without an arm, without a leg. There was a huge part of me missing and I didn’t know how and if I would ever adjust. I could no longer go back to the reality that had you in it. How was this possible? Learning to live without you felt like I was going through the motions but never really felt connected to anything. I was here but I felt lost. This was all a mistake, and I wasn’t supposed to be here without you.

You brought me into this world and now this world no longer had you. For so long, I helped guide you but now I was the one who needed guidance. But I didn’t know where to turn to. I didn’t know if I would ever learn to live without you because in you, I found purpose. You left and I lost my purpose. I didn’t understand what life was supposed to look like now that you were gone. I didn’t want to feel this void, this agony, of understanding the permanence that came with your death. There was no going back, no matter how much I thought about it.

I felt hollow and didn’t know how I was supposed to figure this out. Initially, I resisted and fought against what I was feeling and eventually I grew tired and gave in. I gave into the notion that I would have to build a new norm, a new life, a new me. I released the pressure of trying to force my today to feel and look like yesterday when you were still here.

I still look at your picture on my screensaver and ask myself “what the fuck am I doing here?”. I tell you how much better things would be if you were still here. There are days when I feel like I am getting the hang of living without you. And then there are days when I retreat and don’t want to do it anymore. In learning to live without you, I have learned to give myself the space and time to be in the hole. I give myself the space and time to acknowledge that this is a shitty situation. I also acknowledge that not every moment will feel the same. I have my lighter days. I have my darker days. But at the end of the day, the once felt impossible has been made possible because someway somehow, I’ve managed to survive 10 years without you.

I never thought I would learn to live without you but somehow, I am.