I forgot the sound of your voice

You came to mind and as I was reflecting on a memory, I realized that I had forgotten the sound of your voice. I tried to remember and even placed different voices on the memory but none of them fit. I lost myself in thought looking for your voice. In my mind, I could see your face but for the life of me, I could not remember how you sounded. Some of the voices I imagined were close to what you sounded like, but I knew none of them were actually your voice. Playing an old video would do the trick right? I would be able to hear your voice and think “There it is. There’s her voice!”. But for me, the hard part is realizing that I really did forget your voice.

When you first left, I thought about you day in and day out. I had you present in every aspect of my life. I replayed our final moments together over and over again. All of my memories with you were as clear as daylight. I did all of this because subconsciously, I was trying to hold onto you. I didn’t and just wouldn’t let you go. My biggest fear has been forgetting you. And how could I forget you? You’re my mom! And yet, it has taken me 10 years to forget the sound of your voice.

I tried to justify this and thought that perhaps my mind was just tired and gave myself a few days to hopefully remember. I gave myself a few days to clear out my mind and have the “AHA moment”; the moment where I would say “there it is-I knew I would remember.” But almost two weeks later and I have nothing. I’ve sat with this in silence because it’s almost like I felt ashamed for having forgotten. I felt like I did something wrong. But I also felt sad knowing that many more years would come, where I would feel this way about other things that I will probably forget.

And this is just one of those things that nothing in life can prepare you for. It hurts. It sucks. And that’s okay. This is what makes up my grief experience and no one can take that away from me.