Fear, our safe companion?
Fear. What is fear? Fear for many can look and feel differently. Fear can be seen in the hesitations we take, when confronted with making a decision. Fear can be seen in the anticipation of events, things, or people’s reactions, thoughts, and perception of us. Fear can be seen in the moments where nothing makes sense, and we are unable to see what lies ahead. There is an internal chaos that happens where fear feels that it finally has a place to live within us. When we feel like we’ve lost control, we resort to fear because fear helps distract us from that which we are trying to avoid. We are not ready to confront this thing just yet, so we dive into the lake of fear. Fear reminds us of all our past experiences and tells us that this is proof that it will happen again. Fear tells us that we have to be vigilant, on guard, anticipate, and prepare for what’s to come. Otherwise, bad things will happen. How could it not? It already happened before.
When my mother died in 2011, I experienced firsthand the fragility of life through death. This was a revelation that shattered my perception of life, myself, beliefs, and those around me. My greatest fear had been realized and here I was still alive somehow. She died and I was still here. Why? How? Funny thing is that today, when people learn about the passing of my mom, their usual comment after their condolences is “I don’t know how you survived that because I would literally die.”. Yea, I too thought I would’ve died after having experienced this, but I didn’t. This was a scary reality because I didn’t know how I was supposed to move forward without her. After realizing that I was still alive, despite having experienced this, I was hit with a wave of fear. What if I lose someone else? Is my dad safe? Are my brothers safe? What if bad things continue happening? What if I live the rest of my life in this state of pain and agony?
Fear came in and felt like a savior at the time because it helped me to think of all the possibilities. Although looking back I wonder if it was truly helping me think of all the possibilities or just the worst-case scenarios? Fear allowed me to be on the defense. I felt ready. I felt back in control because I would surely see the signs and stop bad things from happening again.
Fear felt safe. Fear felt familiar. In fact, it felt like the only familiar thing I could grab onto at this time. It kept my body uptight and tense. My senses were on constant high alert. Bad things weren’t happening anymore it seemed, but shit was I exhausted. But I had to keep going because at any point there could be a mishap if I wasn’t paying attention to all the details that could indicate that something bad was going to happen.
Fear, I thought was my safe companion, but it turns out that it was just there trying to help me make sense of the impossible. How could I make sense of losing my mom? How could I make sense of not knowing that this was going to happen? There was no sense to be made of these events. Fear was my way of fighting back, of letting it be known that I was not willing to accept what had happened. Fear produced a million thoughts a minute, so that I didn’t have time to sit and process that my mom had actually died. Fear made me believe that it was my responsibility to keep her alive or to at least know that something tragic was on its way. But who am I to have all this responsibility or control?
Fear consumed my existence for a long time, and it still creeps into my life today. It sometimes so subtle that I don’t even realize that it is present. While there was a time in which I felt that fear kept me safe, I realized that it also managed to make me believe that I had to be in this constant state of action, otherwise everything would simply fall apart. While fear felt like a safe companion, it was a companion that I no longer wanted to have. Deep inside I was depleted. Exhausted. Unable to feel hopeful about the future because my present took so much energy out of me. I’ve wanted to have the space to be and to rest. I’ve wanted to be happy. I’ve wanted to genuinely enjoy life’s moments and experiences. And it took making the decision of walking away from ‘wanting-ness’ and walk into the understanding that I deserved this life. I needed to take the steps to have this kind of life. This realization has not come overnight and it’s still in progress, but I know now that I will get there.
Fear doesn’t own me anymore. Life happens. Death happens. Exciting things happen. Difficult and tragic things also happen. But me killing myself with worry and in a constant state of agony isn’t going to change or prevent any of these things from happening. All I can ask is for the courage and peace to be able to handle whatever lies ahead.
