The helpless feeling inside the helping heart…

When my mom died, the flashbacks of all the times that I had said no to her came crashing down like a bag of bricks. I regretted every moment in which I refused to help her. I felt that all those moments when I said no, amounted to 1 less moment of happiness or validation for her. Out of all the experiences, there’s a particular one that has remained ingrained in my memory. A couple of months before she died, she called me to ask if she could use one of my credit cards to buy a few things. She promised to pay me back, but I knew deep down that wouldn’t be the case. So, I told her that I couldn’t lend her the credit card.

This no, among other no’s, has hurt me the most because although I know that a different response from me wouldn’t have changed the fact that she died; I still felt that it took 1 more moment away from her and me. I said no on this occasion because I was tired of helping. I was tired of being the one she ran to every time she needed something. I was tired of being the one to fix her problems. I was tired and for once I wanted to start helping myself. This pain comes back any time, I find myself having to say no or unable to help someone that I care about. When I am unable to help, I become afraid. Afraid that this moment will be like the moment of regret I experienced with my mom years ago.

Not being able to always help makes me feel helpless, even though I know that it isn’t my responsibility to save anyone. And as I dig a little deeper, beneath the regrets, pain, fear, and helplessness, there is that 20-year-old me that is still trying to make sense of her mom’s death 11 years later.